The Lessons I Am Learning – Complaining

Over the last few months, there has been a part of my life that has been particularly frustrating. My professional life.

I find myself turning into this person that I am usually not when I am living this part of my life.

The most difficult part is dealing with the aftermath of an event that frustrates me, I become this swamp of emotions, that I feel all at once, from one second to the next, I oscillate between blaming myself, blaming my leaders, the workplace, then back towards myself. It is exhausting.

Despite that exhaustion, there is a tiny glimmer of satisfaction I get from complaining to someone about what has happened. I am going to distinguish this from debriefing or sharing something with someone for validation, reassurance or to let it out which are all really important things for mental health.

I think the first time I share something, I am definitely debriefing and sharing. But as I tell one person after the other, I am transitioning to complaining because I get a sense of satisfaction from knowing that someone else thinks what’s happened is also absolutely ridiculous.

This ‘positive’ feeling is short-lived. By the end of the day, I reflect and I feel guilty for having complained, shared that negativity unproductively for my benefit, and in the process expanded those feelings to the people around me. Automatically, I gave a piece of my anger to others, and anger/frustration in them might have also arisen, but sharing it didn’t make the anger I felt any less, in fact it fuelled the fire.

I want to acknowledge that what I feel is powerlessness.

If I felt like I could productively relay my thoughts/opinions to the people causing me so much frustration, I probably would. And I have in the past, but it left me feeling more frustrated a majority of the time. I want to be clear that sometimes it isn’t safe to be telling people with positions of power certain things depending on the context, especially if they are not ready to receive it or become defensive. Opening up can be incredibly challenging and a risky thing to do as well.

I turn inward, and I think to myself, how do I not complain, how do I better regulate my emotions and not let it affect others as well. I have this idea that we get to a point in life, where you’ve lived it enough or you have felt all the things you can feel, so you just won’t get frustrated anymore. But of course, that’s not a realistic aim.

Frustration tells me that something is wrong. It tells me that something is changing, watch out. It tells me that maybe I am disappointed or afraid. It tells me that something is not aligning with my values. It tells me that I am sad and wish that things were different.

I am not perfect, never will be but I do want to share my frustrations more thoughtfully, productively and constructively with the people around me.

To do that, I have to let breathe, let myself feel the feelings, be strategic about who I confide in. Whenever I feel the need to tell someone else after that initial debrief, I have to pause, breathe, think to myself, what is my intention here and will it be useful, will it alleviate my frustrations or fuel them, and take it from there.

Change the things you can, accept the things you can’t and pick your battles. The last thing that you want is to lose yourself amongst a bureaucratic mess.

I found this article really useful in helping to transform my thinking- https://hbr.org/2018/05/the-next-time-you-want-to-complain-at-work-do-this-instead

The Lessons I Am Learning – Leadership

Over the last three years, my thoughts on leadership have really evolved.

Being relatively new in my career I thought that you are supposed to progress, from entry level, to mid-level to senior and above, that was the way that I understood it at least on the surface level. As one would expect, as you mature in your career, you should move up the hierarchy and get paid more which in turn implies your importance and worth.

When I was at university, I remember thinking, I could never be a team leader and this was directly correlated to my lack of confidence in my abilities. As a child I had never been a leader, very much a follower. I thought that this was how my adulthood was also going to look like.

About one and a half years ago, I started to feel confident in my role and I thought to myself, looking at my leaders at the time, I could do this. I could be like my team leader one day and all of a sudden my mindset changed to make that the goal to be chasing. With this mindset I felt pride and exhilaration, imagine going from feeling like something was impossible to possible.

And as much as I hate to admit it, there came a point where I wanted to earn more. I have honestly always been grateful for the money I have earned throughout my life and always felt an abundance but, there was a point where I was influenced by other’s expectations/opinions about money. My mindset shifted from glass half full, to glass half empty and I was acutely aware of this. I was battling with myself, because logically I knew that I did not need more money but I couldn’t help but feel that what I had wasn’t enough. I also felt a sense of shame in wanting more. Coming from a background and family where sometimes it was hard for my parents but I always had everything I needed, there was a voice in my mind that kept saying ‘how can you be complaining, you have so much’.

This was about the time, where my ego took over. And it was definitely fuelled by the sense of not having enough. I wanted to be a leader because that meant more money, I wanted to be right about everything, and I wanted this external thing, to give me a sense of self-worth. I wasn’t even a leader at the time and nor was I close to being one (if we are looking at experience) but with this mindset, I lost myself. It is so hard to not compare yourself with your friends, and still feel like you are enough. I also started assuming that people were judging me about where I was at with my life, but now I know that that was just my own harsh internal voice.

That year was a hard year because this mindset caused so much internal/external conflict and I also had changes in the people that were leading me. As the end of the year approached, I was able to flush out those external influences (mostly because as much as lockdown sucked, there was chance to drown out the noise and find myself), and my goal is no longer to be a leader, especially not for the money. I am however, no longer scared to be a leader like I was before I started working and think that I have the personality and the soft skills to be. If it happens, if the opportunity presents itself and it feels right, perhaps, but it is okay if in this lifetime I am not. I also understand now that, that careers, just like life do not progress linearly, but more like a rollercoaster.

Leadership is not about having people below you, or following you, or earning more money, or feeling more important, or hierarchy. It is about listening, and support and working with your colleagues, knowing when to advocate and stand up for your colleagues/clients, acknowledging when you messed up, empowering and feeling empowered and recognising all the people that allowed for something great to happen.

So in short I have learnt that:

• Being a leader should not be driven by money
• Being a leader should not be driven by ego
• Being a leader has nothing to do with hierarchy
• Being/or not being a leader has nothing to do with our worth
• Some people are just not supposed to be leaders and that is okay
• Everyone is a leader sometimes, our qualities shine in different contexts
• Being a leader does not mean you know everything or that you are always right
• I do not want to be a leader that has to sacrifice my values in the process of satisfying a larger service/organisation that has values that do not align with my own
• A leader needs to prioritise self-reflection and awareness to ensure that their words/actions do not harm others
• A leader needs to be able to take feedback and constructive criticism without denial or defensiveness
• A leader needs to recognise and be aware of all/any power imbalances and do their best to create a safe and open environment for shared learning and growth
• There is value in taking a side-step and growing horizontally instead of moving vertically in your career.
• And lastly, do not let other’s ‘not enough’ mindset overpower yours. Your mind is so precious, protect it.

The Lessons I am Learning – Difficult Conversations

21st November 2020 – Lake Elizabeth, Victoria

I am fairly sure that no one likes confrontations, it’s awkward, uncomfortable and even frightening at times depending on who you are confronting. I definitely, would love to stay away from any difficult conversations as much as possible and in the past I have, which has never turned out well for me. When you are not able to share how you feel or your thoughts about something, whether it is something that was done to you, or you have done to someone else, the sadness, guilt and discomfort floats to elsewhere in your body, and it finds a home.

I used to hold grudges all the time. I had this mentality, that everyone else should be so attuned and aware of how I feel and what I want, and if they don’t take ‘me’ into consideration, it must be them doing so on purpose, to hurt me. Pretty selfish view of it. I think I thought this, because I always considered myself to be incredibly considerate of everyone else, I always agreed and did what was asked, what someone else preferred, not even express my thoughts, because agreeing was easy. It was easy for that other person, it was never easy for me. I used to think that people were taking advantage of my agreeableness and maybe there have been times in my life, where this has happened but now looking back, it was never fair of me to say that if I never expressed what I wanted, even when I was asked.

I can’t expect people to know what is inside my head.

And what I thought would happen if I didn’t agree, or said something different, was I would loose a friend, a family member, love. I was afraid because for some reason it was ingrained in my mind, that confrontation meant being unlovable and I was always too scared to test it out for my self, so I went with it, until I didn’t.

I remember the first time a friend showed me by admitting they were wrong, and I admitted that I was hurt by what they did, instead of pretending I was okay. And I realised three things, how much value there is in talking to someone you have hurt, being real and vulnerable, putting your ego aside and saying I am sorry. Secondly, how freeing it is to say that what happened wasn’t okay but you appreciate/accept the apology. And lastly, the ability to move on, continue being friends. Being open and having difficult conversations does not have to always end in disaster or an end in relationships.

That interaction with my friend, was something so small. But I still remember how it made it me feel. How valued I felt by her, how important communication is and how much I admired her for being so brave. Because there were many times in my life where someone needed an apology from me, but I was too scared to have that conversation. To think that all those times, I thought that not acknowledging and apologising was going to cause more harm in a relationship, than apologising. That ignoring someone’s feelings was going to result in a better outcome.

Now whenever I am in a similar situation, where I have done something wrong, I think back to the interaction with my friend and how it made me feel. Even if the conversation is going to be hard, I try to put my fear aside and focus on making that other person feel, the way I felt when I deserved an apology, like they matter.

On the flip side, when I have been wronged by someone, I also try my best to let them know, what it was and how it made me feel, even if I don’t expect any change. It may not be straight away, maybe a day, or even a week later after I’ve imagined how the conversation might go a million times. But I tell myself, that if I don’t express how this made me feel, I am not even giving that other person a chance or an opportunity to compromise and/or apologise. All that happens is, I think about an incident a million times and over time the narrative probably changes, becomes more exaggerated, to protect my perspective and diminish that other person. And before I know it, my ego has the reigns in this life, not me. At minimum, I have got to try, with no expectations. That is what I have control over, nothing else.

So, all I can say is, confrontations in all forms is still hard but I do it as often as I can when necessary. Sometimes, there is definitely a part of me that wants to hold on to a narrative ‘that I am right’ and ‘that other person is wrong’ but I work through that. Sometimes, I try and it fails, that other person becomes incredibly defensive and are not ready to go through this process. But I have done my part and tried, and I can find peace in that.

But more often than not, when I have trusted my gut, these conversations have made my relationships stronger, made me less afraid to have difficult conversations (cause practice makes perfect) and mostly importantly, shown me that agreeableness does not equal love. That sometimes I hurt and sometimes people hurt me, but love is what allows us to move forward, together or apart.

I read this quote in ‘A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles’ that really stuck with me:

‘By their very nature, human beings are so capricious, so complex, so delightfully contradictory, that they deserve not only our consideration but our reconsiderations and unwavering determination to withhold our opinion until we have engaged with them in every possible setting at every possible hour’

And of course it is impossible to engage with every possible setting and every possible hour, but as I try my best to give people the opportunity and my reconsiderations, I hope that others also do the same for me, because no one is perfect.

A Warm Embrace

5th December 2020 – Mount Stirling, Victorian Alps of the Great Dividing Range

I am someone that has never liked hugs. This is partially because growing up, hugging was not something that was excessively done, only on occasions where someone was going overseas or parting ways. I always felt it to be quite an intimate gesture especially for people you don’t know too well or have just met.

I do admire those who are able to be open and welcoming enough to give and/or receive hugs. Sometimes I wish I was like that, perhaps it would also help my general shyness in meeting people. I’ve never been great at introducing myself, or participating in small talk or being amongst large groups of people.

I do however, find joy in taking the time to be with one other person, maybe two at a time. These interactions give me energy, I feel more comfortable and I feel that people can also be more real and deeper in smaller groups.

Recently, I have started to appreciate what a hug can offer. I have these random moments where I long for a hug from a specific person that I can identify whether it be a family or friend, but my longing almost fuelled by intuition that this other person would also benefit from a hug too. The warmth, feelings of safety and love, release of tension and comfort are beautiful. It feels as though, I am practicing mindfulness as I am able to identify and invite those feelings in that moment, and let it go. I treasure these moments because they are rare, and I want them to be, to preserve the hugs significance when it does happen.

To open the gesture, even though I am learning to appreciate it can still be difficult. To battle this I have found asking the other person ‘Can I have a hug?’ or ‘Can I give you a hug?’ to be useful. Asking this question makes me feel human and I find comfort in the discomfort in feeling vulnerable in that moment. I feel brave.

Today I am grateful for:

Safety

Family

Love

Twenty Twenty

 

 

February 2020 – I went to Hawaii for the first time and travelled overseas for the first time in 4 years. Hawaii was beautiful. 

 

It has been a while.

This has been the first year in for as long as I remember, I didn’t have any clear hopes, dreams and expectations. I am someone who feels giddy when the year is about to start anew, this year felt strange – empty. Or a vast open space for opportunities.

For the past couple of months, it has been difficult to see the bright side. A switch has been flicked off in my brain, the switch for resilience, tolerance and hope. Life is a lot harder when those three things seem so far away from my reach. I feel like I am always looking for something, something to spark alight hope, even a little glimmer.

What I have is compassion fatigue, the result of giving too much of myself, probably too fast in a professional sense. Being a social worker in family violence can be hard enough alone, add personal issues and the global issues like the pandemic and life can tend to feel like a heavy boulder. A heavy boulder you are holding up just enough to not break you into pieces while at the same time knowing it could be any minute now before your arms give way. 

Now that it is April, looking back at how I felt starting the year, I don’t feel so bad, perhaps subconciously my brain knew this year would be like no other, so I protected myself by having no expectations. In some ways I feel incredibly grateful for all the things I do currently have, that I know a lot of people have lost since the start of this pandemic. 

I know the next couple of months are going to be strange for everyone. I know that many are going through immense hardships from job loss, overall uncertainty, and lives lost. My hope is that we all come out of this having learnt a little bit more about ourselves. We are so influenced by our social environment, perhaps some of us have lost our selves in that space. I think if we all act responsibly in this pandemic, absorb the facts, drown the panic out and look within, we might walkaway from this pandemic, feeling like those months in isolation (no matter how that may look in your country) were not completed wasted. 

* I want to note that everyone’s circumstances are different and acknowledge this pandemic will affect everyone so differently and for some it will definitely be impossible to walk away with anything positive. Sending you all love through these difficult times. 

Today I am grateful for

Coffee

My job

Books

Becoming a Social Worker (part II).

April 18th 2019 – Mt. Oberon Summit Peak, Wilsons Promontory National Park – Victoria, Australia 

I am a social worker. I completed a degree, got a certificate and am now qualified for most ‘human services’ type jobs. Although I can label myself a social worker, I believe the process of becoming a social worker takes many years and I am far from it.

It has been about 1 year and 5 months now that I have read, listened and worked with the life narratives of families.  Their lives are written as stories on paper and with them, we work to rewrite, reframe and remind them that life can be different.

More people are seeking help, more referrals are coming through for support, day in and day out, I am reminded that people and their lives are complicated. In most cases, their lives now are a result of generations of trauma. I am reminded that there is a lot beneath the surface and today’s society can encourage us to push it further down so that we go into dark places, lonely and alone.

Becoming a social worker takes courage because you have to sit with a lot of discomfort and responsibility. The personalities that are attracted to the field are sensitive by nature and drawn to the troubles and troubled in life. Our sensitivity is crucial to understanding people but also makes us vulnerable to vicarious trauma. We leave a part of ourselves open so that we can connect and immerse in the stories we want to mend, to search for a glimmer of hope in the people we work with to support them to positively propel forward.

Despite, our acute awareness of social problems, and the constant exposure to peoples pain and fear, we are able to find light in the darkest of stories and gratitude in the hardest of times. We wear our hearts on our sleeve and keep moving forward, searching for justice in every bullet that comes our way.

I am grateful that I am going through the process of becoming a social worker. It pushes me to be strong when I want to give up, teaches me that life goes on for everyone when things don’t work out and to never stop questioning why.  I am so excited to learn in the years to come.

*30th Jan 2017 I wrote a piece with the same name.

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Today I am grateful for:

A restful Sunday

My mother

Fresh air

 

 

A Plastic World.

I walk around these days and all I see is plastic.

Plastic that I’ve never noticed before.

Plastic that makes me feel angry, frustrated and dissappointed at humans.

Plastic that is ruining the world.

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My goal in reducing the amount of plastic I use has been an year long journey and is one that continues. When you stop and think, you realise how much plastic and disposable material humans go through in their short time here on earth.

I don’t know when it all clicked in my head and I started to make the connections but it has made a big difference to the way I live my life. These are not big changes but I know they make a big impact environmentally.

And so I extend the love and compassion I give to people, to the environment every single day and am a firm believer of the quote-

Be the change you wish to see in the world

I have seen my efforts have a ripple effect on those around me by just being concious of how I live my life.

These are the ways I have changed my day to day living to reduce plastic, I am not perfect but I am trying:-

1. Reusable bags – I keep reusable bags in my car, at home and at work. Whenever I buy something and I have forgetten my bag, I simply don’t take a plastic one. I hold the things I bought in my hands.
2. Light-weight thin reuseable bags – For vegetable and fruit produce when doing groceries. (https://www.thefregiesack.com.au)
3. Frank Green Reusable cup – I don’t remember the last time I took a take away cup for coffee. If i don’t have my cup, I don’t take take away, I simple sit and enjoy coffee at a cafe. (https://frankgreen.com/au/)
4. Menstrual Cup – Instead of single use pads, a silicon menstrual cup can last many many years and save a lot of money. (https://www.juju.com.au)
5. Who Gives a Crap recycable toilet paper (https://au.whogivesacrap.org)
6. Wooden spork – this is simply a spoon and fork made out of bamboo which can be used instead of take away cutlery. (https://www.ukonserve.com/Bamboo-Utensil-p/uk016.htm)
7. Metal straw – a metal straw that is reusable and washable instead of single use plastic straws. (https://www.biome.com.au/805-reusable-straws)
8. Water bottle – I carry it every where I go and if I didn’t bring it, I simply look for a water fountain.
9. Reusable food wraps – A replacement for cling wrap, wraps made out of plant/bees wax that mould to the shape of anything and keep your food covered. (http://wrappa.com.au)
10. Vapouriser/ diffuser/ essential oils – Instead of candles to scent your environment, essential oils also have different health benefits as well. (https://www.doterra.com/US/en)
11. Bokashi Bin – I live in an apartment worm farming isn’t ideal but a small bokashi bin has completely cut off my food wastage, everything is composted and put back into the earth. I simply add my compast to a communal compost bin when my bin is full.
12. French press + loose coffee beans – Instead of single use coffee pods for a coffee machine.
13. Bulk-food stores – I have found a local bulk food stores that has everything from spirulina to rice, chocolate and shampoo. I simply bring glass jars to the store, weigh the jar and fill the jar with as much product as I like. No plastic, no waste.
14. Soap Berries – A recent addition to doing my laundry. A soap nut that is a natural surfactant and is compostable. With the use of essential oils, clothes will be clean and smell clean. (https://www.thatredhouse.com.au)

There are many more ways to incorporate a day to day eco-friendly lifestyle but it is a process. I have made a lot changes and honestly there is no better feeling than coming back from a shopping trip and knowing that you did not harm the environment by the purchases you made. I say start somewhere and start now.

We should all stop being lazy and take responsibility for what is happening to the environment we live in. We have evolved to be a race that indulges in single use items, sadly the world isn’t designed for this privilge. We need to realise that the earth isn’t disposable or single use, we have ONE EARTH and that is it.  

Education.

I never thought that I would be living in a country with so much privilege and still be fighting for the rights to education.

Humans. We categorize, we classify and we discriminate.

There is a lot I can’t say but I cannot comprehend how anybody can make an argument against the importance of education.

No amount of money can ever be equivalent to how much education is worth – it is priceless.

To be able to read, write, speak, make meaningful social connections, have a voice and so much more is what school gives a child.

As adults, taking a child’s rights to education for ANY reason is a disservice to humanity itself.

…

 

– 2018 –

‘Speed doesn’t matter, forward is forward’ – 

This is my theme, quote or mantra for the year.

The transition from being a university student to now starting fulltime work can bring up a lot of uncertainty and mixed feelings about where you are going.

I find that being at university, I always felt I was going somewhere or doing something with the constant reassurance and positive feedback from lecturers and friends that I am doing well and in the right direction. This is hard to find when you aren’t in that environment, so as someone who thrives off feedback, I can feel a little lost without it – stagnant.

I have this quote plastered everywhere, so it prompts reflection on where I am and what I have been doing and that pace doesn’t matter. It is easy to compare, sometimes things that are not even of interest to you can make you feel as though you are not good enough if someone else is doing it. It feels ridiculous to feel envy or jealousy when someone else has something that you don’t even want but it happens.

So this year I will take my time, try my best to live in the moment, appreciate how far I have come and continue to grow – never stop learning. 

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5 things I am grateful for today

Meeting old friends, having meaningful conversations, reflecting about life and our futures.

My family and their never-ending support.

Quiet breezy mornings.

Eye-opening and informative books.

Nature. 

Spring & Health

18 days into the month of spring but today was the first day signs of spring were in the air. It was warmer, the wind was fierce and musty as it carry’s particles of pollen on a journey to a place to begin anew. Spring makes me feel happy and light and just as it is new beginnings for nature, it feels like new beginnings to me too.

2 days ago I decided to stop putting a price on my health. There was an exercise regime I have wanted to commit to for awhile now however the price tag pushes me away. I am generally healthy, I try to be however over the past year I have definitely had too many meals that don’t do much benefit to my body and I am starting to feel the consequences.

I put all the guilt that comes with investing in my health aside and signed up for it. It’s funny because I’ve probably spent many dollars on gym memberships and never gone or not made the most of it without feeling guilty. I decided that I rather pay for something more expensive that I know that I will do than something that isn’t, which I won’t end up using anyway.

Money is complicated and I am trying to develop a healthier, richer mindset about money. I think not putting a price tag on my physical or mental wellbeing is a step in the right direction. Afterall, putting in the effort to be healthy now, means less bills later in life, bills that will probably come in big lumps. Your body is all you have got till the end of your life, it can enhance the way you live or limit it and you are stuck with so it so best take care of it.

So what shifted my mindset?

• Reading ‘How not to die’ by Dr. Michel Greger – He goes through the top non-communicable diseases in society, addressing why they are present and then how to lessen the chances of an early death.
• Downloading Dr. Michel Greger’s Daily Dozen app (it’s free) – it provides a rough estimate of how much fruits, vegetables, nuts and all the good stuff you need daily to maintain your health. The more things you tick off the list, the better your gut will feel.
• Reading ‘You are a badass at making money’ by Jen Sincero – I don’t agree with all she says but I have taken on board the good bits. I have become aware of my own negative mindset when it comes to money and am slowly shifting it.
• Reading ‘Gut’ by Guilia Enders – this book provides the science behind how your gut works, the mechanisms and its importance in our function as humans.

I don’t think any one of these resources on it’s own would have really helped me. I think it’s the combination and holisitic understanding I have now that has shifted my mindset. I am so glad because better late than never plus my degree is coming to an end so fulltime work means i’ll have to manage an income wisely. No better time to learn about money and health than now.

(Note: Only spend money on things that are within your means. Just like your health, your finances are important too. If you want to pay for something that you feel you can’t afford, perhaps analuse your spendings and see what ‘luxury’ items you can sacrifice to allow space for other things in your life. That is what I did. )

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5 things I am grateful for today:

Spring

My Determination

Relaxing days

Being alive

Books, books, books